Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
