Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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