I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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