just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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