Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
