i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
