I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
