I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
