i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
