In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Your cock deserves a montage
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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