I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
