I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
