haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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