do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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