I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
