Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
