His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
