got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
