I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
