Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I have demons in me.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
