guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
