Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
