If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
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We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
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Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
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