Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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