I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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