I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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