Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Do vagina's smell?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
