sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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