i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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