Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
