i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
