Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
