Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
