first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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