maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
