Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You had me at "let me see your balls"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
