he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
