John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
