all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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