tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Found your dick twin last night
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
