Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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