I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I hate all girls vehemently.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
