i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
