you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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