Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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