Are we in a gay sports bar?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
