I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
