you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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