i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
