The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
