Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
