I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
