This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
