I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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