I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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