I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
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let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
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She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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